Briefcase
by skidtick
Summary: Deidara briefly wonders why that foul mouth Jashin idiot has not been killed off by Kakuzu yet. Especially since he had just drawn crude stitches all over his body and was loudly proclaiming Kakuzu's love for porn.


**Briefcase**

It was rare moment when more than a team of Akatsuki members were in the same secret base at the same time. This occasion however, was one of those rare moments.

Deidara, Tobi, Kisame and Itachi all were laying about the main living space. As far as Deidara knew, Kakuzu and his partner were in their rooms.

There was never much to talk about. They were all hardened criminals to the point where basic conversational skills left them.

Even Deidara, the young eighteen year old bomber did not have much to say beyond the occasional "Shut up, Tobi."

Either way, there was brief chatter that went something like this:

"How was your mission?"

"Fine."

"Oh."

Then, they all went about their own business.

Tobi, the newest member, was engrossed with cookies and milk, so even he did nothing to fill the monotonous silence.

Itachi was reading the dictionary.

Kisame stared blankly into space.

Deidara lounged on the sofa, legs thrown over one arm. He was holding a small clay bird in his hand. Idly closing his fingers and opening them again, the clay bird turned into a spider. He kept repeating this opening and closing motion. Snake. Fly. Dog. Bird again.

With a yawn using all three mouths, he contemplated how Kakuzu's partner was doing.

He never met the man. Not formerly anyway. They might have passed in the corridor.

Deidara's interest was that of all Kakuzu's partners, this guy has lasted the longest.

About… a year and a half now maybe?

Knowing Kakuzu's short temper (and actually having been on the end of it once, when Kakuzu realized how much he was spending on hair products), his new partner must be a calm and compliant.

He was probably a money whore too.

Deidara could easily imagine Kakuzu's partner. He got a glimpse of him in the hallway. Grey hair. He must be fairly old…

He was probably up in his room somewhere in the hide-out. He was probably hunched over a table, abacus in hand, little clicks and ticks as long fingers traced rows and rows of numbers. There would be a set of glasses perched upon his nose as Kakuzu's partner bent down the squint at what Deidara undoubtedly believed to be a very fascinating set of digits and calculations.

Deidara's eyes drooped as he imagined the dull scene. In his mind's eye, he might have spiced up his imagination a bit by adding in some big busted females (Because missing-nin or not, he was still an eighteen year old male) but he realized that pop art was dead and really, super flat was the way to go even if it was somewhat paedophilic. Before he could fully appreciate a money whore surrounded by super flat females, he was startled to full alert by Tobi's gleeful shriek.

"Kakuzu-san!"

"Hello swirl-face, I'm not interested in you because I am a fucking money whore! For those fucking geniuses out there, that means I'm a whore for money!"

What?

Deidara glanced up and his whole body froze. That was not Kakuzu.

Kakuzu's partner was not the old dweeb he thought him to be. He was probably only a few years older than him.

Of course that was not what made Deidara's mouth open and close in shock. It was the fact that Kakuzu's partner, Kakuzu's longest running partner, had not only appeared to have stolen Kakuzu's precious briefcase, but he had also taken a marker and drawn mock stitches across his mouth. His naked torso was also covered in marker drawn stitches.

"The fuck?" Kisame said.

Even Itachi briefly glanced up from his enthralling read. He had just reached the word: ukulele

Kakuzu's partner, nobody really knew his name, glanced down at his "stitch" covered body.

"What are you fuckers staring at? Oh yeah… don't worry, I checked the marker. It isn't permanent because that would have been a pain in the ass, seriously."

"Tobi you moron," Deidara managed, overcoming his shock. "That isn't Kakuzu, un."

"You're damn right it isn't," Kakuzu's partner grinned. "I'm Hidan, partner to that money grubbing piece of shit."

"Uh… Deidara," Deidara said.

"Yeah? Well, nice to fucking meet you," Hidan said, swinging the briefcase around like it didn't contain extremely valuable cash.

"Uh," Deidara looked lost. "So you're Kakuzu's partner, un? He killed all his other partners. Are you _sure_ that you're his partner, un?"

"Yeah," Hidan said. "I said that already, are you fucking retarded?" Hidan gave a small smile. "Besides, Kakuzu, that dipshit, is too pussy to kill me."

Deidara opened his mouth in indignation at being called a fucking retard, a creative swear word already forming on his tongue. Stranger or not, Kakuzu's new partner was an _ass_ and Deidara wondered why Kakuzu hadn't fed him to Zetsu yet.

Hidan interrupted him before he even got the "fuck you" out.

"Seriously, you can't be anymore retarded than Kakuzu is anyway."

Deidara remembered Kakuzu's rage at his hair products and silently agreed.

Hidan continued.

"He is so like: Oh! Look at me! I'm a fucking money whore! You're money? Well that's just fucking great! You can be my shit head of a pimp and I can totally go and fuck you all night long!"

By now, even Itachi stared in blank surprise at Hidan's masterful interpretation of the Akatsuki's treasurer.

Deidara laughed somewhat nervously, because what Hidan doing wasn't _funny_ it was _suicidal_.

Everybody was thinking: _Why hasn't Kakuzu killed this moron yet?_

Hidan continued his impersonation.

"You see these freaking ugly stitches at the side of my mouth?" Hidan gestured at the marker drawn lines.

Deidara nodded uncertainly.

"They're there because I can't fucking smile properly and I have to be such an ass because my god awesome partner can. Hidan's smile is sexy," Hidan broke character for a moment and added in scathingly, "You'd think he'd fucking appreciate humour on the battlefield right? I mean it wasn't me that made him suck so much; you just have to freaking laugh at that douche bag. Haven't any of you freaking noticed that Kakuzu is such a fucking dickhead? His attitude is permanently shitty. He's an old cheap womanizer!"

"Womanizer, un? Thought he doesn't like to spend money."

"Ah," Hidan held up a finger smugly. "That's what you think right? Well, do you know what is in his fucking suitcase?"

"Money, right?" Kisame, a bit awe-struck that Hidan had survived a year and a half with Kakuzu with his attitude decided to join in the fun.

"Fuck no."

Hidan skipped around the sofa before flopping down on it. He put one hand over Deidara's shoulder conspiringly. He patted the blonde's shoulder.

"You see Blondie, Kakuzu does not keep money in this baby," Hidan lifted up the suitcase tantalizingly. "He likes his whores, but doesn't want to pay them, see? Then, there are these convenient orange novels you see around…"

"He reads Icha Icha, un?" Deidara asked bewildered.

"He keeps porn in his briefcase?" Kisame added in. His voice was a mixture of bemusement, incredulity and disbelief.

"Ha, see? I knew you fuckers would get there eventually, seriously."

Deidara gave a glance at Kisame whose expression read: yeah, you can totally tell Hidan is lying

Itachi sat, still reading.

Hidan leaped up again and moved so that the door framed his figure.

"I'm such an asshole! I'm so stupid because Hidan is so much smarter than me. I should just go and kill myself, seriously, because his existence in the world completely destroys what little fucking self-esteem I have. Plus, I can tell that he is right about Jashinism the entire time and that I'm going to hell so I should just end it now. I hate him, and always have to act like such a fucking bastard to him because I'm so jealous of his fucking hot body and the way he is the one who brings all the bitches to the yard! I'm so jealous that he is a Jashinist while I'm going to rot in hell forever and have pitchforks shoved up my ass."

Yes, it really was not a funny thing to hear. Hidan was not a born impersonator or comedian.

What was funny was the way Kakuzu was standing behind Hidan.

"See, I'll show you the kind of fucking sick porn I read because I'm such a gay paedophile like that. I totally want Hidan's body because I'm such a freaking queer and I like eye raping people."

Well, Deidara thought, Kakuzu's glares did seem somewhat like eye rape. But really, looking at Hidan continue like he didn't know Kakuzu was there behind him was like watching a train wreck. No way he stays alive for another day.

Hidan proceeded to try and open Kakuzu's suitcase.

He failed.

Because Kakuzu made his presence known by snatching his suitcase back and wrapping black threads on Hidan's body, leaving thin bleeding marks.

An eyeball even appeared to be on the verge of popping as tentacles wormed their way into the socket.

"You know Hidan, for somebody who comes from Yugakure, village of the hot springs, I find it terribly unfair you should be accusing people of being perverts," Kakuzu said in a deadly calm.

Hah, Deidara thought, let's see if he still acts like a suicidal idiot now that Kakuzu has him.

"Oh my God Kakuzu," Hidan drawled. "That's fucking tentacle rape, you know that?"

Deidara's mouth dropped open again at the sheer stupidity of Hidan. It had to be stupidity, nobody was that brave, especially when Kakuzu looked like he was about to rip Hidan's head off. Because Kakuzu was one scary as hell guy.

Itachi went back reading as Kakuzu dragged Hidan out of the room.

Then Kakuzu peeked his head back in the room.

"It really is money in there."

Then he left again.

They could hear Hidan's screams.

"Fuck you asshole! That's my fucking liver you cocksucker! Oh my fucking God, fuck you fucker, you know how fucking hard it fucking is to fucking re-grow this fucking shit? Yeah, you fu-

Hidan's voice cut off again to a scream.

Though Deidara thought it sounded strangely like a laugh, but what kind of person would laugh when they were being dismembered alive?

Somewhat uneasily, he went back to moulding his clay.

"Deidara-senpai? Why were there two Kakuzu's just now?"

"Shut up, un."

Deidara never expected to see Hidan again. Funnily enough, after two days, he saw the silver haired monk re-enter the room.

He stared blankly.

"You're alive?"

"No shit Sherlock."

A beat.

"You still have those fake stitches on?"

A glare from Hidan.

"These aren't fake."

X.X.X

A/N

Hey, hope you enjoyed that somewhat. Not too heavy on the humour I'm afraid. Reviews would be love though!


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